Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize