This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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