i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
