I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
