I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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