but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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