All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As shirtless as possible
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
