After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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