Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
