this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
