i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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