My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
