the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
