so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
