ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
