Whod you bang
My hand turned me down
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
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