Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
