The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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