I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
