I think i sorta joined a cult last night
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
