I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
