i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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