I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
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True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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