ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
