dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
