Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
