Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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