i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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