my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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