I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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