I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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