Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
