i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
