Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
