i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
