I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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