seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
