i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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