When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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