oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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