They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
