we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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