I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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