i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
