Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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