i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
