K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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