Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
