My first STD was from a foam party
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
