My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
