well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
