2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
that is very illegal...i love you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
