Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Small penises have feelings too.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Green mimosas i think yes
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
