I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
