Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
