i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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