We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
