Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
