I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
