You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
