sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
